Worthy
by Saracenn
Summary: Tara tries to convince Buffy that she is worth forgiving. Takes place at the end and after Dead Things.


Disclaimer: I am not Joss Whedon, 20th Century Fox or anyone else that might have ownership of BtVS. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being made.

Summary: Tara tries to convince Buffy that she is worth forgiving. Takes place at the end and after "Dead Things".

Note: I've never written a Buffy/Tara story before, I'm a Will/Tara shipper myself, but the last scene in "Dead Things" just touched me. Feedback is appreciated.

"God, please don't forgive me," Buffy sobbed into Tara's lap. Startled, Tara simply held the Slayer and gently stroked her hair, trying furiously to think of ways to comfort her broken friend.

"Shhh, it's okay Buffy…Buffy honey, it's okay," the witch softly whispered, all the while continuing her gentle caress. Tara fervently wished Willow was here. It was Willow was who good with the sensitive chats. Willow who always knew what to say to make things better, to put things in perspective. '_Suck it up Tara, Buffy needs you_,' her mind raged at her, drawing her back to the present.

The Slayer continued to sob and mumble incoherently into her lap, going on and on about not being good enough to be forgiven, about being an evil, disgusting thing who let another evil, disgusting thing do evil, disgusting things to her.

Sighing slightly, Tara gently raised Buffy's chin so the distraught Slayer met her gaze. "Buffy, you are _not_ an evil, disgusting thing. You're not. S-s-sometimes…" Tara paused, searching for the right words, "sometimes we do things because we're lonely or hurting or empty inside, but that doesn't make you a bad person Buffy. You're still the woman we all love and care for, regardless of what you do." Clear blue eyes met hazel, watery ones until the Slayer broke the gaze and shook her head sadly.

"You don't understand Tara, the things I let him do to me, I let him…he, I…we did things, things I would never…" the blonde broke off her sentence and dropped her gaze to the floor.

"Buffy," Tara gently raised the Slayer's chin, "it's okay, really." The witch brushed an errant tear from her cheek and gave the blonde her trademark lopsided smile.

Buffy looked at Tara a moment, wanting to believe her words, but she knew, deep down inside, she couldn't. She was evil, she was wrong; she had to be to let Spike do all those things to her. 'I_ let him do those things_,' the Slayer thought, '_I'm worse than he is_.'

Tara watched the emotions play across the Slayer's face, running the gamut from sadness to despair to disgust and finally, self-loathing. Hesitating only a moment, the witch took a steadying breath and firmly grasped Buffy's chin again, her tone vehement. "Now you listen to me Buffy Summers, I know exactly what you're doing and it needs to stop. Just stop. You're not evil, you're not a demon or wrong or anything. There's nothing wrong with you. Do you hear me? Nothing. And the sooner you start believing that, the better off you'll be."

Both women looked at each other, surprised by Tara's outburst. Buffy wore a look of incredulity and after a moment, had to smile a tiny bit.

'_She's got guts_,' Buffy had to admit. Most people would've just let her wallow in her self-pity. Xander and Willow would've apologized to no end. '_No wait, they wouldn't have understood in the first place_,' Buffy mused. But here Tara was, shy, unassuming, stuttering Tara, doing what no one had been able to do in a long while. No one had been able to snap the Slayer out of her self-hating tirade, even if just for the moment.

She took a deep breath and wiped her face, "I'm sorry for unloading all of that on you." She saw the glint in the witch's eyes and knew she'd said something wrong again. '_Uh-oh…_'

"Buffy," Tara's tone was firm, but gentle, "don't apologize for needing a friend. I'm only sorry I can't help you more. Honestly, I'm not any good at this sort of thing, but whatever I can do to help, I will. I promise. You don't have to do this alone."

The Slayer's head snapped up at Tara's words, Spike had said the exact same thing to her. She shook her head; she wasn't going to think about him, she wasn't.

Tara mistook Buffy's motion as not doubting her promise of friendship. The witch sighed inwardly; this was more than just a case of the Slayer feeling guilty. It was a full-blown inferiority complex. And if there was one thing Tara knew about, it was feeling inferior.

"Buffy?" She waited for the blonde's eyes to meet hers. "Listen to me, you might think you're dirty and not worth forgiveness, but you are," Tara paused and continued in a soft tone, "you're special and wonderful and worthy and beautiful. Not because you're the Slayer, but because you're Buffy, a woman whose courage and love saved us all. You still save us. Every day. Don't ever think differently."

The witch paused a moment, wondering if she'd perhaps said too much. There wasn't any sort of manual to help you navigate through situations like this, so she settled for the truth in her heart. If that got her into trouble, well, she'd cross that bridge when she came to it.

Buffy listened to Tara's soft words and watched her lips move and form each syllable and sound and could only think '_Willow gave this up?_' Troubled, the Slayer reined in her wayward thoughts. '_Whoa, that's Will's girl…well, not really but STILL. Willow's girlfriend, and you're as straight as they come, what the hell are you thinking?_' Buffy shook her head again and cast her eyes downward; she needed to get away, fast. Too many thoughts swirled in her head, the least wiggy one being her appreciation of Tara's sensitive nature.

The intuitive witch watched the blonde for a moment, sensing her discomfort. What had she said wrong? One moment Buffy was watching her intently, the next the Slayer was dropping her gaze to the floor. Awkwardness settled over them and Tara's mind raced frantically to find something to say to break the silence.

"I s-s-should g-g-get going," Tara stammered, embarrassed by the situation and her obvious mishandling of it.

Buffy looked up and remembered Willow once commenting that Tara only stuttered when she was nervous or embarrassed. The Slayer quickly surmised that Tara thought she was upset by her earlier words. She hastened to assure her friend, "Hey Tara…" Buffy paused, "thanks, I mean, really, thanks. I just…ya know, need some time to think and everything."

The blonde frowned, damn she was making a mess out of this, why couldn't this just be simple? Casting about for the quickest way to reassure her friend, Buffy did the only thing she could think of. She pulled Tara into her arms and held her tightly.

The witch stiffened in surprise when Buffy grabbed her and it took her mind a moment to register that the Slayer was hugging her. Slowly, Tara brought her arms around the blonde and tentatively returned her embrace. '_Well, this is new,_' her mind mused. Tara knew that Buffy wasn't an affectionately physical person. She was touched by this display of caring from her usually withdrawn friend.

Long moments passed with the two women simply holding each other, each lost in their thoughts before Buffy realized that the embrace had gone on longer than was acceptable for friends. Embarrassed, she pulled away and smiled weakly. Tara blushed and ducked her head, causing her hair to fall in her face. Without thinking, the petite Slayer reached up and smoothed the tendrils of hair back behind Tara's ear, the same way she would with Dawn. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as Tara's head came up and she had a wide-eyed look on her face. They held each other's gaze for a moment before Buffy coughed and searched wildly for something to say.

"Um, it's late, I should get to bed," she fumbled with the words.

Tara nodded quickly and searched for her purse. She needed to leave; this was a situation she didn't need to be in. The only other person she'd been in this sort of moment with was Willow and Buffy was not Willow. The Wicca stood and gestured awkwardly with her hands, "If…if there's anything else you n-need B-Buffy…" she left the end of the sentence hanging, edging closer to the door.

The Slayer stood there for a moment before blurting out "Stay with me."

Tara's eyes became the size of half-dollars. "W-w-what?"

Buffy swallowed and moved closer to Tara. For some reason, her mind had gone all wonky and shut down to let Other Dimension Buffy take over. Making a split second decision, she decided to run with it. "Stay with me," she whispered softly.

Tara's brain screamed a million reasons all at once why she should say no. This wasn't right, even if they were friends. Buffy was Willow's friend, not hers, not really. Staying with a friend wasn't illegal though, except if that friend was Buffy. Why should it be a big deal? It wasn't like there was anything between them. "I d-don't think…"

"Tara. Please." Two simple words stopped the witch's protests. Inwardly she sighed. What was it about these Summers women? She couldn't say no to Dawn either. Accepting defeat, Tara simply nodded and set her purse down. She walked towards the hall closet to look for the spare sheets and blankets kept there. She was rifling through the various covers when she felt a hand on her arm.

"Stay with me Tara." The Wicca froze and looked straight at the sheets. She was imagining things. There was no way in this hell or any other she had actually heard Buffy Summers ask her to stay with her, as in _stay_ with her. She took a deep breath and forced a smile on her face.

"I am Buffy, just let me find some blankets to make up the couch okay?" '_Please don't say what I think you're going to say_,' she mentally pleaded.

"I want you to stay with me Tara. I…" the blonde hesitated and after a moment, continued softly, "I just need to be held for a little while. Just until I fall asleep. Please?"

Tara's heart melted a little at Buffy's plea. How many nights had she herself, wished that someone would hold her. She knew that feeling of being utterly alone when all you really wanted was to be held. It had taken some real courage to ask in the first place. Tara knew she would never have had the guts to ask anyone to hold her.

Going against her better judgment, the witch nodded slowly. "Until you fall asleep." The half-smile she received made her heart clench a little. How long had it been since anyone had seen Buffy really smile?

Slowly they trudged up the stairs, past Dawn's room until they stood in front of Buffy's door. Tara wouldn't even look further down the hall at the room she and Willow had shared. Sometimes, she almost hated coming here. Even if it was to see Dawn or talk to Buffy. There were so many memories, so much pain and anger and hurt and love. Steadying herself, Tara shook off her misgivings about staying; Buffy needed her right now. She could mourn for what she had lost later. The Slayer opened the door and held it open for the witch to step in.

Tara had never really been in Buffy's room before. After she had died, they had silently agreed not to touch it. When the Scoobies commissioned the Buffybot to fill in, only Willow would go in the room to hook up the robot at night for charging. Now, inside Buffy's room, Tara felt like an outsider. She truly didn't belong here, not in this room or any other in this house.

Buffy had watched Tara since she stepped inside. Her emotions were easy to read if you watched close enough. She guessed that Tara was feeling unwanted because of all that had happened with Willow. "Tara?" Blue eyes met hers and the Slayer smiled a little. "Just let me change okay?"

Buffy gestured for Tara to sit and make herself comfortable while she rummaged through her drawers for something for the brunette to sleep in. Unfortunately, she didn't think she had anything that would interest the witch, as it was all tank tops and underwear sets. "Um, I think there's a night gown or two you left here when…" Buffy stopped. The last thing she wanted to do was remind Tara of Willow's mistake and their breakup.

The witch shook her head. "It's okay Buffy, I'm fine in this." She gestured towards her skirt and blouse. '_Besides_,' she added silently, '_the moment you fall asleep, I'm leaving._' This really was something Tara had no idea how to handle. For the second time that night, she wished Willow was here, doing her best friend job instead of her trying to fumble her way through.

After all was said and done, teeth being brushed and the Slayer ready for bed, Tara settled for slipping off her boots and sitting on the edge of Buffy's bed. Definitely a place she'd never been. '_Stop it Tara_,' she admonished herself, '_now is not the time for this_.' Buffy crawled in under the covers and lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling. After a moment, she turned her head to look expectantly at the brunette.

Sighing resolutely, Tara gingerly laid herself down beside Buffy and swallowed. It was do or die. She turned on her side and gently pulled the Slayer into her arms. Surprisingly, Buffy came willingly and snuggled up against Tara's chest. After a tense moment, Tara began to breathe again and tried to relax a little. '_This was Buffy, it was okay,_' her mind repeated over and over again.

Buffy yawned and sighed softly. "G'night Tara," she mumbled against the warmth embracing her.

Tara smiled and gently squeezed the petite body against her. "G'night Buffy."

She held the Slayer until finally she felt Buffy's breathing slow and deepen, indicating sleep. Tara looked at the clock, 3:30 a.m. Damn, she hadn't meant to stay this late, but it had taken the blonde that long to relax enough to fall asleep. Sighing, Tara closed her eyes, promising herself she'd just rest for a minute before getting up and leaving.

"What the HELL?!" A loud voice woke both of them from their slumber.

Buffy sat straight up in bed, looking around for the demon, searching for the evil that had caused such a racket. What she found was a very upset Willow standing in her doorway.

"What the hell is going on Buffy?"

Uh-oh.

Tara was slower to awaken, and tried to regain her bearings before focusing on an angry redhead standing in the door. '_Oh no_,' she thought, '_She must've seen us sleeping together._' "Will, I…"

"Don't…I don't want to know," the redhead seethed, angry and hurt she'd found her lover in bed with her best friend. Her jealousy clouded her rational mind other wise she would have noticed that Tara and Buffy were still fully clothed and Tara was on top of the covers. She turned and walked out of the room. Moments later, Buffy and Tara heard the bedroom door slam.

Buffy cringed and hazarded a look at Tara. "I'm sorry Tara."

The witch shook her head sadly, "Don't be Buffy, we didn't do anything wrong. Willow's jealous, didn't you see the look on her face?"

Buffy's eyes grew wide. "You mean, she thinks we…? That you and I…?" Tara nodded slowly. "But…but that's crazy. I mean, you're…I'm not…we're just…"

Tara sighed. "I know that Buffy and so does Willow. She's just angry and upset." She chewed her lip. "I should go, I'm sorry."

"Tara…wait." The witch paused and looked at the Slayer. "I," Buffy looked down shyly, "thank you for staying, I needed someone and you were there. I won't forget it."

Tara smiled and leaned over to hug the blonde. "Buffy, anytime you need a friend, I'm here for you. I really should go though. I have class and all." The Slayer nodded, wanting to say more but unable to articulate her feelings.

The Wicca paused outside the bedroom door of the room she and the woman she loved more than anything used to share. She took a deep breath and knocked softly, "Willow?"

Silence. Moments passed when she finally heard a muffled "Go away."

Tara frowned. "Willow, at least let me explain. It's not what you think."

The door flung open to reveal a teary eyed Willow. "It's not what I think? I find you and my best friend sleeping together. What exactly should I think then?"

The brunette sighed. "Willow, Buffy needed a friend last night, she's" Tara paused, unwilling to reveal the Slayer's secrets, "she's going through a…a rough time. She asked me to stay with her until she f-fell asleep, so I did. I must've dozed off when you found us. It's not what you think Will."

The rational part of Willow's mind knew Tara was telling the truth, that the witch was only being a friend to Buffy, but she couldn't erase what she had seen. Buffy had been in the one place Willow wanted to be more than life itself, in Tara's arms. "You sure looked cozy to me." She sneered, bitterness making her irrational.

Tara's anger flared at the comment. "God Will, how can you even think that? Buffy and I are just friends. Not that I have to explain myself to you anyways." The harsh words were out before Tara could stop them.

"So because we're not together, you just hop into the nearest bed you can find? Never mind that it's my best friend. Gee Tara, any port in the storm huh? Who's next, Anya?" Willow's jealousy had taken over and she was beyond being rational. She hadn't wanted to fight but seeing Tara with Buffy had sent her into jealous fury she couldn't push down.

Tara clenched her fists and tried to reign in her temper. She knew Willow was upset and not thinking clearly. The red head had a jealous streak few knew about. Couple that with Willow's frequent insecurities and it was a mixture for a screaming match waiting to happen.

"I know you're angry, but you have no right to insult me Willow," she said in a low, steady voice. She refused to be goaded into an argument that neither of them would win and would only serve to drive them farther apart.

Willow blinked and took a shaky breath. It was true; she had no right to talk to Tara that way. "Tara, I'm sorry. I jumped to conclusions and I shouldn't have. I didn't mean…" the red head swallowed and tried to salvage the moment, "thanks for being there for Buffy."

The brunette shook her head sadly, "There's no one else Will. You're all I…" Tara looked down, knowing she'd said too much. "I have to go." She turned and took the stairs as fast as she could. She needed to get away from this house, from Willow, from Buffy, from all of it. Why couldn't things be simple?

Why was she feeling this way? One side of her desperately wanted to reassure and comfort Willow. The other side knew she couldn't, as there were so many things unresolved between them. Yet another part of her was torn on wanting to stay with Buffy. The blonde Slayer definitely looked the worse for wear this morning. Tara hated to leave her like that but she had to get out. Her main reason for running away was Buffy. Waking up with the Slayer in her arms had felt way too good; better than it had any right to feel. What did this mean? Why was this happening? She couldn't have feelings for Buffy; she was in love with Willow.

Fin


End file.
